Bible explained by Kids

In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let junior church
students help you with his complete overview of the Bible, compiled from
their essays:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but
God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,'
but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me
a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and
made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors
hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad
apple, so they were driven from the garden of Eden. Not sure what they
were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who
lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important
people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a
ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals in it.
He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to
take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his
brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some
pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports
coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil
Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues
included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no table. God fed the Israel
Lights every day with manicotti.

Then He gave them His top ten commandments. These include don't lie,
cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a
bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it
sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought
of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to
use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over
on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very
wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these
was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the
shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to
worry about them. After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the
New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been
born in a barn, too, because my Mom is always saying to me, 'Close the
door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter
of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees
and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was
Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable
after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some
Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus
on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went
up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is
foretold in the book of Revolution.

There! Now you understand!